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173:root {
174 --wp--preset--color--black-base: #000000;
175}
176
177/* Pattern: News Pack Hero Home Layout B PATCH */
178.pat-news-package-hero--layout-b .pat-news-package-hero-secondary-posts ul li:first-child figure {
179  width: 100%;
180}
181
182/* Pattern: News Pack Layout Center */
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367<div class="wp-block-group onion-part-header-container__section-bottom onion-part-header-container__section-dateline-wrapper is-content-justification-space-between is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-51a6cd6a wp-block-group-is-layout-flex">
368<div class="wp-block-group onion-part-header-dateline is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-52b12321 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex">
369<p class="has-primary-2-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family has-foxtrot-font-size wp-elements-2 wp-block-paragraph" style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500">Thursday, October 1, 2026</p>
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373<div 
374  class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary"  data-wp-interactive="theonion/weather-summary"
375  data-wp-init="callbacks.init"
376  data-wp-context='{"isVisible": false}'
377  data-wp-on--click="actions.onClick"
378  data-wp-on-document--click="actions.onDocumentClick"
379  data-wp-on--mouseenter="actions.onMouseEnter"
380  data-wp-on--mouseleave="actions.onMouseLeave"
381  data-wp-class--wp-block-theonion-weather-summary--open="context.isVisible"
382>
383    <p class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary__snapshot">
384    <img decoding="async" 
385      src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/cloudy.svg" 
386      alt=""
387    />
388        <span>61&deg;</span>
389  </p>
390
391        <p class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary__comment">Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret</p>
392  </div>
393</div>
394</div>
395</div>
396
397
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399<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-8 gridible-col__lg-6">
400<div class="wp-block-group onion-part-header-container__section-top is-vertical is-content-justification-center is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-c9dc8b03 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><div style="margin-bottom:0" class="is-default-size wp-block-site-logo"><a href="https://theonion.com/" class="custom-logo-link" rel="home"><img width="646" height="103" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/site-logo.svg" class="custom-logo" alt="The Onion" decoding="async" fetchpriority="high" /></a></div>
401
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403<p class="has-text-align-center has-shade-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-3 wp-block-paragraph" style="margin-bottom:0px;font-size:clamp(0.875rem, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 0.2rem) * 0.281), 1.1rem);"><em>America’s Finest News Source</em></p>
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413<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-12 gridible-col__lg-12 gridible-hidden--sm gridible-hidden--md"><nav style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-foxtrot-font-size items-justified-center no-wrap wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family is-content-justification-center is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-navigation-is-layout-d05cb3ef wp-block-navigation-is-layout-flex" aria-label="Header Navigation - Desktop"><ul style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="wp-block-navigation__container has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-foxtrot-font-size items-justified-center no-wrap wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family"><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/news"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">News</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/local"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Local</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/politics"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Politics</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/entertainment"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Entertainment</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/sports"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Sports</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/opinion"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Opinion</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://store.theonion.com/" target="_blank"  ><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Onion Store</span></a></li><li data-wp-context="{ &quot;submenuOpenedBy&quot;: { &quot;click&quot;: false, &quot;hover&quot;: false, &quot;focus&quot;: false }, &quot;type&quot;: &quot;submenu&quot;, &quot;modal&quot;: null, &quot;previousFocus&quot;: null }" data-wp-interactive="core/navigation" data-wp-on--focusout="actions.handleMenuFocusout" data-wp-on--keydown="actions.handleMenuKeydown" data-wp-watch="callbacks.initMenu" tabindex="-1" class="wp-block-navigation-item has-child open-on-click wp-block-navigation-submenu"><button data-wp-bind--aria-expanded="state.isSubmenuOpen" data-wp-on--click="actions.toggleMenuOnClick" aria-label="More submenu" class="wp-block-navigation-item__content wp-block-navigation-submenu__toggle" ><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">More</span></button><span class="wp-block-navigation__submenu-icon"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="12" height="12" viewBox="0 0 12 12" fill="none" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false">
413<path d="M1.50002 4L6.00002 8L10.5 4" stroke-width="1.5"></path></svg></span><ul data-wp-on--focus="actions.openMenuOnFocus" class="wp-block-navigation__submenu-container wp-block-navigation-submenu"><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/latest/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Latest</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/?s"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Search</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/video/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Video</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/horoscopes"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Horoscopes</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://store.theonion.com/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Onion Store</span></a></li></ul></li></ul></nav></div>
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417<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-12 gridible-col__lg-12 gridible-hidden--sm gridible-hidden--lg"><nav style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-foxtrot-font-size no-wrap wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-navigation-is-layout-8f761849 wp-block-navigation-is-layout-flex" aria-label="Header Navigation - Tablet"><ul style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="wp-block-navigation__container has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-foxtrot-font-size no-wrap wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family"><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/news"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">News</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/local"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Local</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/politics"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Politics</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/entertainment"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Entertainment</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/sports"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Sports</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://store.theonion.com/" target="_blank"  ><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Onion Store</span></a></li><li data-wp-context="{ &quot;submenuOpenedBy&quot;: { &quot;click&quot;: false, &quot;hover&quot;: false, &quot;focus&quot;: false }, &quot;type&quot;: &quot;submenu&quot;, &quot;modal&quot;: null, &quot;previousFocus&quot;: null }" data-wp-interactive="core/navigation" data-wp-on--focusout="actions.handleMenuFocusout" data-wp-on--keydown="actions.handleMenuKeydown" data-wp-watch="callbacks.initMenu" tabindex="-1" class="wp-block-navigation-item has-child open-on-click wp-block-navigation-submenu"><button data-wp-bind--aria-expanded="state.isSubmenuOpen" data-wp-on--click="actions.toggleMenuOnClick" aria-label="More submenu" class="wp-block-navigation-item__content wp-block-navigation-submenu__toggle" ><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">More</span></button><span class="wp-block-navigation__submenu-icon"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="12" height="12" viewBox="0 0 12 12" fill="none" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false">
417<path d="M1.50002 4L6.00002 8L10.5 4" stroke-width="1.5"></path></svg></span><ul data-wp-on--focus="actions.openMenuOnFocus" class="wp-block-navigation__submenu-container wp-block-navigation-submenu"><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/?s"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Search</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/latest/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Latest</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/opinion"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Opinion</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/video/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Video</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/horoscopes"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Horoscopes</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://store.theonion.com/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Onion Store</span></a></li></ul></li></ul></nav></div>
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421<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-12 gridible-col__lg-12 gridible-hidden--md gridible-hidden--lg">
422<div class="wp-block-group onion-part-header-dateline is-content-justification-space-between is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-06fbcfc6 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex">
423<div class="wp-block-group onion-part-header-dateline is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-52b12321 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex">
424<p class="has-primary-2-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family has-foxtrot-font-size wp-elements-4 wp-block-paragraph" style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500">Thursday, October 1, 2026</p>
425
426
427
428<div 
429  class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary"  data-wp-interactive="theonion/weather-summary"
430  data-wp-init="callbacks.init"
431  data-wp-context='{"isVisible": false}'
432  data-wp-on--click="actions.onClick"
433  data-wp-on-document--click="actions.onDocumentClick"
434  data-wp-on--mouseenter="actions.onMouseEnter"
435  data-wp-on--mouseleave="actions.onMouseLeave"
436  data-wp-class--wp-block-theonion-weather-summary--open="context.isVisible"
437>
438    <p class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary__snapshot">
439    <img decoding="async" 
440      src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/cloudy.svg" 
441      alt=""
442    />
443        <span>61&deg;</span>
444  </p>
445
446        <p class="wp-block-theonion-weather-summary__comment">Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret</p>
447  </div>
448</div>
449
450
451<nav style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-delta-font-size is-responsive items-justified-center wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-navigation-is-layout-fe48e5de wp-block-navigation-is-layout-flex block-visibility-hide-large-screen block-visibility-hide-medium-screen" aria-label="Header Navigation - Mobile" 
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480<ul style="font-style:normal;font-weight:500" class="wp-block-navigation__container has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-delta-font-size is-responsive items-justified-center wp-block-navigation has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family"><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/latest/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Latest</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/news"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">News</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/local"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Local</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/politics"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Politics</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/entertainment"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Entertainment</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/sports"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Sports</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/opinion"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Opinion</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/video/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Video</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/?s"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Search</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="/horoscopes"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">Horoscopes</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://theonion.com/about-us/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">About Us</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item wp-block-navigation-link"><a class="wp-block-navigation-item__content"  href="https://store.theonion.com/"><span class="wp-block-navigation-item__label">The Onion Store</span></a></li><li class="wp-block-navigation-item">
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544</header>
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817<p class="has-shade-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family wp-elements-33 wp-block-paragraph" style="margin-right:-4px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;font-style:normal;font-weight:700">
818									Published:
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822<div style="font-size:14px;font-style:normal;font-weight:700" class="has-link-color wp-elements-34 wp-block-post-date has-text-color has-shade-1-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><time datetime="2026-09-30T08:00:00-05:00">September 30, 2026</time></div></div>
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831<p class="wp-block-paragraph theonion-dingbat">Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do <em>you</em> think?</p>
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842<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__4 gridible-col__md-3 gridible-col__lg-3">
843<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized has-custom-border"><img decoding="async" width="200" height="200" src="https://theonion.com/w
843p-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Young-Woman.jpg?w=200" alt="" class="wp-image-1851684414" style="border-radius:200em;object-fit:cover;width:128px;height:128px" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Young-Woman.jpg 200w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Young-Woman.jpg?resize=150,150 150w" sizes="(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px" /></figure>
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848<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__8 gridible-col__md-9 gridible-col__lg-9">
849<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">
850<p class="has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-delta-font-size wp-block-paragraph" style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;text-transform:none">“l, too, recently declared bankruptcy then got really into Funko Pops.”</p>
851<cite><strong>Amirah Hirani, Roller Rink Owner<br></strong></cite></blockquote>
852</div>
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857<div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)" aria-hidden="true"></div>
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872<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__4 gridible-col__md-3 gridible-col__lg-3">
873<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized has-custom-border"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="200" height="200" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Old-Man.jpg?w=200" alt="" class="wp-image-1851684415" style="border-radius:200em;object-fit:cover;width:128px;height:128px" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Old-Man.jpg 200w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Face-Old-Man.jpg?resize=150,150 150w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px" /></figure>
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878<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__8 gridible-col__md-9 gridible-col__lg-9">
879<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">
880<p class="has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-delta-font-size wp-block-paragraph" style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;text-transform:none">“I hope they’ll be providing a post I can tie my child to while I shop.”</p>
881<cite><strong>Leo Skaggs, Celebrity Podiatrist</strong></cite></blockquote>
882</div>
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910<p class="has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-delta-font-size wp-block-paragraph" style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;text-transform:none">“Most kids can’t appreciate the complex narrative possibilities of the See ’N Say.”</p>
911<cite><strong>Colton Ott, Strobe Light Operator</strong></cite></blockquote>
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971<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-6 gridible-col__lg-6"><div class="post-navigation-link-previous wp-elements-37 wp-block-post-navigation-link has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-delta-font-size has-rocky-compressed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-super-intelligence-on-all-u-s-documents/" rel="prev">Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents</a></div>
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979<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-6 gridible-col__lg-6"><div class="post-navigation-link-previous has-text-align-right single-post-next-story__story-link wp-elements-38 wp-block-post-navigation-link has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-echo-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-super-intelligence-on-all-u-s-documents/" rel="prev"><strong>Continued on next page</strong></a></div></div>
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1080
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1084		<h2 style="padding-bottom:0;padding-top:0;margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-title has-delta-font-size"><a href="https://theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-super-intelligence-on-all-u-s-documents/" target="_self" >Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents</a></h2>
1085
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1091
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1140								<svg aria-hidden="true" focusable="false" data-prefix="fas" data-icon="arrow-trend-up" class="svg-inline--fa fa-arrow-trend-up" role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 576 512">
1141									<path fill="currentColor" d="M384 160c-17.7 0-32-14.3-32-32s14.3-32 32-32l160 0c17.7 0 32 14.3 32 32l0 160c0 17.7-14.3 32-32 32s-32-14.3-32-32l0-82.7L342.6 374.6c-12.5 12.5-32.8 12.5-45.3 0L192 269.3 54.6 406.6c-12.5 12.5-32.8 12.5-45.3 0s-12.5-32.8 0-45.3l160-160c12.5-12.5 32.8-12.5 45.3 0L320 306.7 466.7 160 384 160z"></path>
1142								</svg>
1143							</span>
1144						</p>
1145</div>
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1148
1149<h2 class="wp-block-heading has-text-align-left has-primary-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-echo-font-size wp-elements-43" id="h-trending" style="margin-bottom:3px;font-style:normal;font-weight:600">
1150						Trending
1151					</h2>
1152</div>
1153</div>
1154
1155
1156
1157<div class="wp-block-group pat-news-package pat-news-package--no-border-last-row is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow">
1158<div class="wp-block-query is-layout-flow wp-block-query-is-layout-flow"><ul class="wp-block-post-template is-layout-flow wp-block-post-template-is-layout-flow"><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707963 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-local tag-news-in-photos tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-trending">
1159
1160<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm pat-news-package-post-temp--reverse is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1161<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/man-confident-he-wouldve-been-brave-enough-to-send-thumbs-down-emoji-in-cornell-group-chat/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="1213" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg 2000w, https://theonion.com/w
1161p-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg?resize=300,227 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg?resize=768,582 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg?resize=1024,776 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Man_Confident_SB_G_PH.jpg?resize=1536,1164 1536w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1162
1163
1164<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-44 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/local/" rel="tag">Local</a></div>
1165
1166<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color is-style-scale-2 wp-elements-45 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/man-confident-he-wouldve-been-brave-enough-to-send-thumbs-down-emoji-in-cornell-group-chat/" target="_self" >Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat</a></h3></div>
1167</div>
1168</article>
1169
1170</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707492 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-news tag-aging tag-cars tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-evergreen featured-post-trending">
1171
1172<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm pat-news-package-post-temp--reverse is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1173<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/nations-93-year-olds-announce-plan-to-crash-car-into-side-of-bank/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="900" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg 4805w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?resize=300,169 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?resize=768,432 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?resize=1024,576 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?resize=1536,864 1536w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Nations_93_Year_Olds_NIB_IHA-GR.jpg?resize=2048,1152 2048w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1174
1175
1176<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-46 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/news/" rel="tag">News</a></div>
1177
1178<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color is-style-scale-2 wp-elements-47 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/nations-93-year-olds-announce-plan-to-crash-car-into-side-of-bank/" target="_self" >Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank</a></h3></div>
1179</div>
1180</article>
1181
1182</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707776 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-local tag-health-wellness tag-news-in-photos tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-evergreen featured-post-trending">
1183
1184<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm pat-news-package-post-temp--reverse is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--sha
1184de-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1185<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/posture-adjusted-to-equally-incorrect-posture/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="1213" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg 2000w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg?resize=300,227 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg?resize=768,582 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg?resize=1024,776 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/09/Posture_Adjusted_SB_S_PH.jpg?resize=1536,1164 1536w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1186
1187
1188<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-48 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/local/" rel="tag">Local</a></div>
1189
1190<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color is-style-scale-2 wp-elements-49 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/posture-adjusted-to-equally-incorrect-posture/" target="_self" >Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture</a></h3></div>
1191</div>
1192</article>
1193
1194</li></ul></div>
1195
1196
1197
1198<hr class="wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-double"/>
1199</div>
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1204<div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer gridible-hidden--sm" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)" aria-hidden="true"></div>
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1211<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1212<div class="wp-block-group section-label has-section-icon is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-52b12321 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex">
1213<div class="wp-block-group section-label__icon has-primary-1-background-color has-background is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-top-left-radius:8px;border-bottom-right-radius:8px;padding-top:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-right:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-left:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)">
1214<p class="has-shade-3-color has-text-color has-link-color has-foxtrot-font-size wp-elements-50 wp-block-paragraph" style="margin-bottom:0px">
1215							<span class="wp-rich-text-font-awesome-icon wp-font-awesome-icon">
1216								<svg aria-hidden="true" focusable="false" data-prefix="fas" data-icon="list" class="svg-inline--fa fa-list" role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512">
1217									<path fill="currentColor" d="M40 48C26.7 48 16 58.7 16 72l0 48c0 13.3 10.7 24 24 24l48 0c13.3 0 24-10.7 24-24l0-48c0-13.3-10.7-24-24-24L40 48zM192 64c-17.7 0-32 14.3-32 32s14.3 32 32 32l288 0c17.7 0 32-14.3 32-32s-14.3-32-32-32L192 64zm0 160c-17.7 0-32 14.3-32 32s14.3 32 32 32l288 0c17.7 0 32-14.3 32-32s-14.3-32-32-32l-288 0zm0 160c-17.7 0-32 14.3-32 32s14.3 32 32 32l288 0c17.7 0 32-14.3 32-32s-14.3-32-32-32l-288 0zM16 232l0 48c0 13.3 10.7 24 24 24l48 0c13.3 0 24-10.7 24-24l0-48c0-13.3-10.7-24-24-24l-48 0c-13.3 0-24 10.7-24 24zM40 368c-13.3 0-24 10.7-24 24l0 48c0 13.3 10.7 24 24 24l48 0c13.3 0 24-10.7 24-24l0-48c0-13.3-10.7-24-24-24l-48 0z"></path>
1218								</svg>
1219							</span>
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1221</div>
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1224
1225<h2 class="wp-block-heading has-text-align-left has-primary-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-echo-font-size wp-elements-51" id="h-recent-news" style="margin-bottom:3px;font-style:normal;font-weight:600">
1226						Recent News
1227					</h2>
1228</div>
1229</div>
1230
1231
1232
1233<div class="wp-block-group pat-news-package pat-news-package--no-border-last-row is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow">
1234<div class="wp-block-query is-layout-flow wp-block-query-is-layout-flow"><ul class="wp-block-post-template is-layout-flow wp-block-post-template-is-layout-flow"><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707853 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-news tag-college tag-crime tag-education tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-primary-post">
1235
1236<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--sha
1236de-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1237<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-52 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/nation-horrified-to-think-sexual-assault-could-happen-on-college-campus/" target="_self" >Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus</a></h3></div>
1238</article>
1239
1240</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707963 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-local tag-news-in-photos tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-trending">
1241
1242<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1243<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-53 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/man-confident-he-wouldve-been-brave-enough-to-send-thumbs-down-emoji-in-cornell-group-chat/" target="_self" >Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat</a></h3></div>
1244</article>
1245
1246</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707932 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-american-voices tag-ai tag-donald-trump tag-government tag-technology tag-vol-62-issue-39">
1247
1248<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1249<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-54 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-super-intelligence-on-all-u-s-documents/" target="_self" >Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents</a></h3></div>
1250</article>
1251
1252</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707492 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-news tag-aging tag-cars tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-evergreen featured-post-trending">
1253
1254<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1255<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-55 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/nations-93-year-olds-announce-plan-to-crash-car-into-side-of-bank/" target="_self" >Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank</a></h3></div>
1256</article>
1257
1258</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851707760 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-entertainment tag-movies tag-television-streaming tag-vol-62-issue-39 featured-post-secondary-post">
1259
1260<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp pat-news-package-post-temp--sm is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--sha
1260de-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1261<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-56 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/chris-hansen-slams-primetime-for-inaccurate-portrayal-of-celebratory-breakdances-he-did-after-catching-pedophiles/" target="_self" >Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles</a></h3></div>
1262</article>
1263
1264</li></ul></div>
1265
1266
1267
1268<hr class="wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-double"/>
1269</div>
1270</div>
1271</div>
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1275<div class="wp-block-group alignwide has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-a48333fe wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained has-background" style="padding-top:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50);padding-right:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50);padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50);padding-left:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50);background-image:url(&apos;https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/FULL_WIDTH_PROMO_v2.png&apos;);background-size:cover;"><a class="wp-block-theonion-ab-link-container" href="https://membership.theonion.com/1c" target="_blank" data-wp-interactive="theonion/ab-link-container" data-wp-context="{&quot;urls&quot;:[{&quot;url&quot;:&quot;https:\/\/membership.theonion.com\/1c&quot;,&quot;weight&quot;:1},{&quot;url&quot;:&quot;https:\/\/membership.theonion.com\/2c&quot;,&quot;weight&quot;:1}],&quot;resolvedHref&quot;:&quot;https:\/\/membership.theonion.com\/1c&quot;,&quot;fallbackHref&quot;:&quot;https:\/\/membership.theonion.com\/1c&quot;,&quot;blockId&quot;:&quot;61c7842a-8c07-4ae8-a575-1e5fdf0518d3&quot;,&quot;memory&quot;:{&quot;type&quot;:&quot;localStorage&quot;},&quot;gtmEventSlug&quot;:&quot;&quot;}" data-wp-init="callbacks.init" data-wp-bind--href="context.resolvedHref" data-wp-on--click="actions.navigate" data-wp-on--keydown="actions.handleKeydown" rel="noopener noreferrer">
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1278<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-container alignwide gridible-row gridible-row--flex gridible-row__all-start gridible-row__md-start gridible-row__lg-start gridible-row__all-standard gridible-row__md-standard gridible-row__lg-standard">
1279<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-column gridible-col gridible-col__12 gridible-col__md-12 gridible-col__lg-12">
1280<h2 class="wp-block-heading has-text-align-center has-shade-3-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-condensed-font-family has-charlie-font-size wp-elements-57" id="h-join-the-millions-of-others-who-entered-in-their-credit-card-number">
1281					Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number.
1282				</h2>
1283
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1286<div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)" aria-hidden="true"></div>
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1357<h2 class="wp-block-heading has-text-align-left has-primary-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-echo-font-size wp-elements-61" id="h-in-other-news" style="margin-bottom:3px;font-style:normal;font-weight:600">In Other News</h2>
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1365<div class="wp-block-gridible-grid-container gridible-row gridible-row--flex gridible-row__all-start gridible-row__md-start gridible-row__lg-start gridible-row__all-standard gridible-row__md-standard gridible-row__lg-standard pat-news-package pat-news-package--no-border-last-row" style="margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
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1368
1369<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1370<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/area-cockroach-fucking-huge-1819564032/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="900" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Area Cockroach Fucking Huge" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png 1600w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=300,169 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=768,432 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=1024,576 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=1536,864 1536w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1371
1372
1373<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-62 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/local/" rel="tag">Local</a></div>
1374
1375<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-63 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/area-cockroach-fucking-huge-1819564032/" target="_self" >Area Cockroach Fucking Huge</a></h3></div>
1376</div>
1377</article>
1378
1379</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1851691559 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-football category-sports tag-news-in-photos tag-nfl tag-vol-61-issue-40 featured-post-evergreen">
1380
1381<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--sha
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1382<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/report-it-nice-that-linemen-feel-comfortable-showing-off-bare-bellies/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="1213" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg 2892w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?resize=300,227 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?resize=768,582 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?resize=1024,776 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?resize=1536,1164 1536w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/It_Nice_Linemen_SB_PH-G.jpg?resize=2048,1552 2048w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1383
1384
1385<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-64 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/sports/football/" rel="tag">Football</a><span class="wp-block-post-terms__separator">, </span><a href="https://theonion.com/sports/" rel="tag">Sports</a></div>
1386
1387<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-65 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/report-it-nice-that-linemen-feel-comfortable-showing-off-bare-bellies/" target="_self" >Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies</a></h3></div>
1388</div>
1389</article>
1390
1391</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1819571062 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-local tag-vol-46-issue-27 featured-post-evergreen">
1392
1393<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--shade-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1394<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/husband-still-faithful-after-42-years-of-trying-to-chea-1819571062/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/atmsjxgwcoybovrvwzj1.jpg?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" /></a></figure>
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1396
1397<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-66 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/local/" rel="tag">Local</a></div>
1398
1399<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-67 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/husband-still-faithful-after-42-years-of-trying-to-chea-1819571062/" target="_self" >Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat</a></h3></div>
1400</div>
1401</article>
1402
1403</li><li class="wp-block-post post-1819564473 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-local tag-family tag-vol-32-issue-09 featured-post-evergreen">
1404
1405<article class="wp-block-group pat-news-package-post-temp is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="border-bottom-color:var(--wp--preset--color--sha
1405de-2);border-bottom-width:1px;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);padding-top:0;padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)">
1406<div class="wp-block-group is-nowrap is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f221bfd0 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex"><figure style="margin-bottom:0px" class="wp-block-post-featured-image"><a href="https://theonion.com/monster-undeterred-by-night-light-1819564473/" target="_self" ><img width="1600" height="900" src="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?w=1600" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" alt="Monster Undeterred By Night-Light" style="aspect-ratio:3/2;width:100%;object-fit:cover;" decoding="async" loading="lazy" srcset="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png 1600w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=300,169 300w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=768,432 768w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=1024,576 1024w, https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/audio-image_kqxk6f.png?resize=1536,864 1536w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1600px) 100vw, 1600px" /></a></figure>
1407
1408
1409<div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"><div style="text-transform:none;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)" class="taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-68 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-primary-1-color has-foxtrot-font-size has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/local/" rel="tag">Local</a></div>
1410
1411<h3 style="font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-bottom:0px" class="has-link-color wp-elements-69 wp-block-post-title has-text-color has-primary-2-color has-echo-font-size has-rocky-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/monster-undeterred-by-night-light-1819564473/" target="_self" >Monster Undeterred By Night-Light</a></h3></div>
1412</div>
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1467  <p class="wp-block-theonion-horoscope-summary__date">(September 23 to October 22): </p>
1468  <p class="wp-block-theonion-horoscope-summary__excerpt">Everything will work out exactly the way the shareholders meant it to.</p>
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1795var e="script#wp-emoji-settings",t=document.querySelector(e);if(!(t instanceof HTMLScriptElement))throw new Error("Element missing: "+e);const r=JSON.parse(t.text),s=(window._wpemojiSettings=r,"wpEmojiSettingsSupports"),o=["flag","emoji"];function i(e){try{var t={supportTests:e,timestamp:(new Date).valueOf()};sessionStorage.setItem(s,JSON.stringify(t))}catch(e){}}function c(e,t,n){e.clearRect(0,0,e.canvas.width,e.canvas.height),e.fillText(t,0,0);t=new Uint32Array(e.getImageData(0,0,e.canvas.width,e.canvas.height).data);e.clearRect(0,0,e.canvas.width,e.canvas.height),e.fillText(n,0,0);const r=new Uint32Array(e.getImageData(0,0,e.canvas.width,e.canvas.height).data);return t.every((e,t)=>e===r[t])}function p(e,t){e.clearRect(0,0,e.canvas.width,e.canvas.height),e.fillText(t,0,0);var n=e.getImageData(16,16,1,1);for(let e=0;e<n.data.length;e++)if(0!==n.data[e])return!1;return!0}function u(e,t,n,r){switch(t){case"flag":return n(e,"\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f","\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200b\u26a7\ufe0f")?!1:!n(e,"\ud83c\udde8\ud83c\uddf6","\ud83c\udde8\u200b\ud83c\uddf6")&&!n(e,"\ud83c\udff4\udb40\udc67\udb40\udc62\udb40\udc65\udb40\udc6e\udb40\udc67\udb40\udc7f","\ud83c\udff4\u200b\udb40\udc67\u200b\udb40\udc62\u200b\udb40\udc65\u200b\udb40\udc6e\u200b\udb40\udc67\u200b\udb40\udc7f");case"emoji":return!r(e,"\ud83e\u1fac8")}return!1}function f(e,t,n,r){let a;const s=(a="undefined"!=typeof WorkerGlobalScope&&self instanceof WorkerGlobalScope?new OffscreenCanvas(300,150):document.createElement("canvas")).getContext("2d",{willReadFrequently:!0}),o=(s.textBaseline="top",s.font="600 32px Arial",{});return e.forEach(e=>{o[e]=t(s,e,n,r)}),o}function a(e){var t=document.createElement("script");t.src=e,t.defer=!0,document.head.appendChild(t)}r.supports={everything:!0,everythingExceptFlag:!0},new Promise(t=>{let n=function(){try{var e=JSON.parse(sessionStorage.getItem(s));if("object"==typeof e&&"number"==typeof e.timestamp&&(new Date).valueOf()<e.timestamp+604800&&"object"==typeof e.supportTests)return e.supportTests}catch(e){}return null}();if(!n){if("undefined"!=typeof Worker&&"undefined"!=typeof OffscreenCanvas&&"undefined"!=typeof URL&&URL.createObjectURL&&"undefined"!=typeof Blob)try{var e="postMessage("+f.toString()+"("+[JSON.stringify(o),u.toString(),c.toString(),p.toString()].join(",")+"));",r=new Blob([e],{type:"text/javascript"});const a=new Worker(URL.createObjectURL(r),{name:"wpTestEmojiSupports"});return void(a.onmessage=e=>{i(n=e.data),a.terminate(),t(n)})}catch(e){}i(n=f(o,u,c,p))}t(n)}).then(e=>{for(const n in e)r.supports[n]=e[n],r.supports.everything=r.supports.everything&&r.supports[n],"flag"!==n&&(r.supports.everythingExceptFlag=r.supports.everythingExceptFlag&&r.supports[n]);var t;r.supports.everythingExceptFlag=r.supports.everythingExceptFlag&&!r.supports.flag,r.supports.everything||((t=r.source||{}).concatemoji?a(t.concatemoji):t.wpemoji&&t.twemoji&&(a(t.twemoji),a(t.wpemoji)))});
1796//# sourceURL=https://theonion.com/wp-includes/js/wp-emoji-loader.min.js
1797</script>
vendor: 1 bytes, line 1797
1797
1798<script>
1799gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() { jQuery(document).on('gform_post_render', function(event, formId, currentPage){if(formId == 5) {if(typeof Placeholders != 'undefined'){
1800                        Placeholders.enable();
1801                    }} } );jQuery(document).on('gform_post_conditional_logic', function(event, formId, fields, isInit){} ) } );
1802</script>
vendor: 1 bytes, line 1802
1802
1803<script>
1804gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() {jQuery(document).trigger("gform_pre_post_render", [{ formId: "5", currentPage: "1", abort: function() { this.preventDefault(); } }]);        if (event && event.defaultPrevented) {                return;        }        const gformWrapperDiv = document.getElementById( "gform_wrapper_5" );        if ( gformWrapperDiv ) {            const visibilitySpan = document.createElement( "span" );            visibilitySpan.id = "gform_visibility_test_5";            gformWrapperDiv.insertAdjacentElement( "afterend", visibilitySpan );        }        const visibilityTestDiv = document.getElementById( "gform_visibility_test_5" );        let postRenderFired = false;        function triggerPostRender() {            if ( postRenderFired ) {                return;            }            postRenderFired = true;            gform.core.triggerPostRenderEvents( 5, 1 );            if ( visibilityTestDiv ) {                visibilityTestDiv.parentNode.removeChild( visibilityTestDiv );            }        }        function debounce( func, wait, immediate ) {            var timeout;            return function() {                var context = this, args = arguments;                var later = function() {                    timeout = null;                    if ( !immediate ) func.apply( context, args );                };                var callNow = immediate && !timeout;                clearTimeout( timeout );                timeout = setTimeout( later, wait );                if ( callNow ) func.apply( context, args );            };        }        const debouncedTriggerPostRender = debounce( function() {            triggerPostRender();        }, 200 );        if ( visibilityTestDiv && visibilityTestDiv.offsetParent === null ) {            const observer = new MutationObserver( ( mutations ) => {                mutations.forEach( ( mutation ) => {                    if ( mutation.type === 'attributes' && visibilityTestDiv.offsetParent !== null ) {                        debouncedTriggerPostRender();                        observer.disconnect();                    }                });            });            observer.observe( document.body, {                attributes: true,                childList: false,                subtree: true,                attributeFilter: [ 'style', 'class' ],            });        } else {            triggerPostRender();        }    } );
1805</script>
vendor: 1 bytes, line 1805
1805
1806<script>
1807gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() { jQuery(document).on('gform_post_render', function(event, formId, currentPage){if(formId == 1) {if(typeof Placeholders != 'undefined'){
1808                        Placeholders.enable();
1809                    }} } );jQuery(document).on('gform_post_conditional_logic', function(event, formId, fields, isInit){} ) } );
1810</script>
vendor: 1 bytes, line 1810
1810
1811<script>
1812gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() {jQuery(document).trigger("gform_pre_post_render", [{ formId: "1", currentPage: "1", abort: function() { this.preventDefault(); } }]);        if (event && event.defaultPrevented) {                return;        }        const gformWrapperDiv = document.getElementById( "gform_wrapper_1" );        if ( gformWrapperDiv ) {            const visibilitySpan = document.createElement( "span" );            visibilitySpan.id = "gform_visibility_test_1";            gformWrapperDiv.insertAdjacentElement( "afterend", visibilitySpan );        }        const visibilityTestDiv = document.getElementById( "gform_visibility_test_1" );        let postRenderFired = false;        function triggerPostRender() {            if ( postRenderFired ) {                return;            }            postRenderFired = true;            gform.core.triggerPostRenderEvents( 1, 1 );            if ( visibilityTestDiv ) {                visibilityTestDiv.parentNode.removeChild( visibilityTestDiv );            }        }        function debounce( func, wait, immediate ) {            var timeout;            return function() {                var context = this, args = arguments;                var later = function() {                    timeout = null;                    if ( !immediate ) func.apply( context, args );                };                var callNow = immediate && !timeout;                clearTimeout( timeout );                timeout = setTimeout( later, wait );                if ( callNow ) func.apply( context, args );            };        }        const debouncedTriggerPostRender = debounce( function() {            triggerPostRender();        }, 200 );        if ( visibilityTestDiv && visibilityTestDiv.offsetParent === null ) {            const observer = new MutationObserver( ( mutations ) => {                mutations.forEach( ( mutation ) => {                    if ( mutation.type === 'attributes' && visibilityTestDiv.offsetParent !== null ) {                        debouncedTriggerPostRender();                        observer.disconnect();                    }                });            });            observer.observe( document.body, {                attributes: true,                childList: false,                subtree: true,                attributeFilter: [ 'style', 'class' ],            });        } else {            triggerPostRender();        }    } );
1813</script>
1813
1814</body>
1815</html>

Line numbers count LF bytes from the start of the resource, as the search results do. Vendor segments are library code the classifier recognised; they are stored but not indexed. Bytes are shown as Latin1 characters, one per byte.